The No Sex Before Marriage Paradox

Filed Under: Relationship Advice

Date Created:09 Oct 2014

Last Modified:09 Oct 2014

Number of Views: 547

During my time as a Jehovah's Witness, I found the attitude of the few married brothers I associated with a little disturbing. Their sentiments were negative and discouraging. Most of them seemed to regret having got married and intimated that it was not as glamorous as they had envisioned. They actually suggested that I should not get married at all. Jehovah’s Witnesses, like other religions that teach the Bible teach that sex before marriage is a sin and should be the preserve of marriage. And looking at how sacred marriage is among them, you would expect them to make very happy marriages.

However,   the majority of brothers I associated with painted marriage black. And when I listened carefully to them, there was only one major reason: sex.

"Sex is not as pleasurable as you may think,"  a married friend of mine voiced out a little while after getting married. "The pleasure only lasts for but a few seconds and after that, nothing."

I mulled this statement over and inwardly reached the conclusion that sex is not so cool and therefore there was no big deal in getting married.

Another brother told me: "Getting married, eish... It's like digging your own grave."

And yet another brother, married to a very humble and good looking 'sister in the Lord', said: "I regret having married earlier. I should have waited."

After being bombarded like this, I reached the conclusion that marriage is not as glamorous as I had thought earlier; and so, automatically, I stopped looking forward to it. I thought it was close to impossible to find a couple who were crazily happy with their marriage.

However, my attitude changed when I met a man--not a Jehovah's Witness--who talked so highly of marriage and told me how dramatically his life had improved upon getting married. I was so surprised to find someone who was so into his wife and crazy over her and his children. He restored my faith in marriage and once more had me thinking that it is actually as glamorous as I had imagined when I was younger.

Now, when I compare these two types of men, I find a very interesting difference. The bitter Witnesses brothers were strong advocates of no-sex before marriage. The seemingly happily married man actually encourages tasting to see what suits you well.  How could it be that he with a rather casual view towards sex appears to have a happier marriage than those who strongly forbid sex before marriage?

The answer lies in the strong emphasis against sex outside marriage. It is very interesting what happens to the human mind’s perception when you place emphasis on the correct thing, but in the wrong way.

Those who teach that sex should only be the preserve of marriage have extremely high expectations of marriage. They envisage perfection. They envisage total bliss.

Those who think you have to try out the shoe before you buy it tend to have more realistic views of marriage.

I once stated on social media that: Forbidding sex before marriage makes marriage all about sex.

This caused quite a lot of controversy and discussion. However, thinking deeply about it and observing lends truth to this statement to some extent.

Those who believe that sex should only be performed in marriage tend to have rather unrealistic expectations of sex and marriage. They tend to think it is the greatest thing about marriage--and that it is worth waiting for. In as much as they say we marry for companionship, you find that subconsciously, they go into marriage heavily thinking of and expecting great, awesome sex life. This is because their minds link marriage to sex. To them the most important reason to get married is to have that which they have refrained from having most of their lives. They want to experience this great thing that they have been told only married people have the right to. But when they marry and then discover it is not so great a thing, they get disillusioned.

On the other hand, some of those who have sexual encounters before marriage tend to have a more realistic approach. They know that marriage is not necessarily about sex and they already know that sex is not all that glamorous.

The problem with some of those who refrain from sex is the mindset with which they go into marriage; with rather unrealistic expectations of marriage caused by their mental conditioning. In fact, most Christians find themselves rushing into marriage in order to satisfy this basic human need.

It gets more interesting: since two people who totally love each other will definitely have sex at some point in their relationship, most Christian couples rush to marry to avoid committing fornication--a sin for which they believe they can go to hell. Their getting into marriage is rushed, and for the wrong reason. They do not really take the time to know each other before marriage.

It is indeed a paradox: how strongly teaching people to refrain from a certain act actually infuses it into their minds and makes them pursue it even harder. And how indeed, those who have a rather relaxed view of sex can actually end up in very happy relationships because they know what they are getting into.

Therefore, our religious leaders should not only forbid sex and tell them it is only for the married, but they should help the young ones to appreciate why this is so. That way, they will help many young ones and prevent them from rushing into marriage with unrealistic expectations.

Forbidding sex before marriage is the right thing, because premarital sex has a lot of bad consequences.

Take for example, a certain young woman who has sex with whoever she dates. She contracts a fatal sexually transmitted disease from one of her boyfriends. She eventually finds a young man whom she loves very much and wants to spend the rest of her life with. However, when the young man discovers she is ill, he refuses to marry her. She has lost out. She eventually dies a very painful and humiliating death alone and without the ones she loves. If only she had waited till she got married!

Yes, teaching that sex before marriage is the right thing to do, but it should not be done in such a way that it makes young ones rush into marriage with unrealistic expectations; otherwise it will make them think marriage is all about sex; because it isn’t. But then again, isn’t it?


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