The No Sex Before Marriage Paradox
Filed Under: Relationship Advice
Date Created:09 Oct 2014
Last Modified:09 Oct 2014
Number of Views: 272
During my time as a Jehovah's Witness, I found the attitude
of the few married brothers I associated with a little disturbing. Their
sentiments were negative and discouraging. Most of them seemed to regret having
got married and intimated that it was not as glamorous as they had envisioned.
They actually suggested that I should not get married at all. Jehovah’s
Witnesses, like other religions that teach the Bible teach that sex before
marriage is a sin and should be the preserve of marriage. And looking at how
sacred marriage is among them, you would expect them to make very happy
However, the majority
of brothers I associated with painted marriage black. And when I listened
carefully to them, there was only one major reason: sex.
"Sex is not as pleasurable as you may think," a married friend of mine voiced out a little
while after getting married. "The pleasure only lasts for but a few
seconds and after that, nothing."
I mulled this statement over and inwardly reached the
conclusion that sex is not so cool and therefore there was no big deal in
Another brother told me: "Getting married, eish... It's
like digging your own grave."
And yet another brother, married to a very humble and good
looking 'sister in the Lord', said: "I regret having married earlier. I
should have waited."
After being bombarded like this, I reached the conclusion
that marriage is not as glamorous as I had thought earlier; and so,
automatically, I stopped looking forward to it. I thought it was close to
impossible to find a couple who were crazily happy with their marriage.
However, my attitude changed when I met a man--not a
Jehovah's Witness--who talked so highly of marriage and told me how
dramatically his life had improved upon getting married. I was so surprised to
find someone who was so into his wife and crazy over her and his children. He
restored my faith in marriage and once more had me thinking that it is actually
as glamorous as I had imagined when I was younger.
Now, when I compare these two types of men, I find a very
interesting difference. The bitter Witnesses brothers were strong advocates of
no-sex before marriage. The seemingly happily married man actually encourages
tasting to see what suits you well. How
could it be that he with a rather casual view towards sex appears to have a
happier marriage than those who strongly forbid sex before marriage?
The answer lies in the strong emphasis against sex outside
marriage. It is very interesting what happens to the human mind’s perception
when you place emphasis on the correct thing, but in the wrong way.
Those who teach that sex should only be the preserve of
marriage have extremely high expectations of marriage. They envisage
perfection. They envisage total bliss.
Those who think you have to try out the shoe before you buy
it tend to have more realistic views of marriage.
I once stated on social media that: Forbidding sex
before marriage makes marriage all about sex.
This caused quite a lot of controversy and discussion.
However, thinking deeply about it and observing lends truth to this statement to
Those who believe that sex should only be performed in
marriage tend to have rather unrealistic expectations of sex and marriage. They
tend to think it is the greatest thing about marriage--and that it is worth
waiting for. In as much as they say we marry for companionship, you find that subconsciously,
they go into marriage heavily thinking of and expecting great, awesome sex
life. This is because their minds link marriage to sex. To them the most
important reason to get married is to have that which they have refrained from
having most of their lives. They want to experience this great thing that they
have been told only married people have the right to. But when they marry and
then discover it is not so great a thing, they get disillusioned.
On the other hand, some of those who have sexual encounters
before marriage tend to have a more realistic approach. They know that marriage
is not necessarily about sex and they already know that sex is not all that
The problem with some of those who refrain from sex is the
mindset with which they go into marriage; with rather unrealistic expectations
of marriage caused by their mental conditioning. In fact, most Christians find
themselves rushing into marriage in order to satisfy this basic human need.
It gets more interesting: since two people who totally love
each other will definitely have sex at some point in their relationship, most
Christian couples rush to marry to avoid committing fornication--a sin for
which they believe they can go to hell. Their getting into marriage is rushed,
and for the wrong reason. They do not really take the time to know each other
It is indeed a paradox: how strongly teaching people to
refrain from a certain act actually infuses it into their minds and makes them
pursue it even harder. And how indeed, those who have a rather relaxed view of
sex can actually end up in very happy relationships because they know what they
are getting into.
Therefore, our religious leaders should not only forbid sex
and tell them it is only for the married, but they should help the young ones to
appreciate why this is so. That way, they will help many young ones and prevent
them from rushing into marriage with unrealistic expectations.
Forbidding sex before marriage is the right thing, because
premarital sex has a lot of bad consequences.
Take for example, a certain young woman who has sex with
whoever she dates. She contracts a fatal sexually transmitted disease from one
of her boyfriends. She eventually finds a young man whom she loves very much
and wants to spend the rest of her life with. However, when the young man
discovers she is ill, he refuses to marry her. She has lost out. She eventually
dies a very painful and humiliating death alone and without the ones she loves.
If only she had waited till she got married!
Yes, teaching that sex before marriage is the right thing to
do, but it should not be done in such a way that it makes young ones rush into
marriage with unrealistic expectations; otherwise it will make them think
marriage is all about sex; because it isn’t. But then again, isn’t it?
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