Why You Should Think of Sex Before Marriage

Filed Under: Relationship Advice

Date Created:29 Jun 2014

Last Modified:29 Jun 2014

Number of Views: 957

Yes, sex before marriage is frowned upon. But that does not mean a dating couple should not talk about it. Yes, you can wait till you are married to have sex, but do not wait till you are married to talk about sex. Like it or not, sex is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

I know some people will argue and say, ‘friendship is the prime thing’. I can’t agree any less. Yes, friendship should be the real solid basis of a relationship. If the two people in a relationship are real good friends, that is going to be a really strong relationship. There will be no storm they can’t weather—together, including the storm of sex.

A lot of marriages break up in a chaotic mess because of sex. So it is important that as a couple seriously contemplating marriage, you talk about it and prepare yourselves for it; because you could end up in a rather big mess.

Some people advocate sex before marriage so that people find out if they are sexually compatible. They talk of chemistry. They say it is possible for two people to be sexually incompatible in a physical way. For example, they claim that somebody’s body odour could be so repulsive to you that you cringe away from even touching them.

But let me tell you something else. You do not need to actually have sex with someone to find it if you are compatible or not. A lot of the emotions surrounding sex are more mental than physical.

And let me tell you something even more interesting: you can become sexually compatible with anyone with just a little work.

How do I mean?

Why do you get attracted to a beautiful woman or a beautiful man? It is all in your mind. Over the years you develop an idea of the perfect man or woman, based on what people project to you and on your own natural preferences. Therefore, when you see a person having all or some of these qualities, you get attracted to them. They project to you as the ideal mate.
Sexual incompatibility is a state therefore where you are unable to have sex with someone because you have convinced your mind that they are not the ideal mate, or that having sex with them is the worst possible thing you could ever do. Your mind sends signals to your body and therefore it reacts accordingly.

The desire for sex is a desire that God put in us. A man is naturally attracted to a woman because of the natural need to procreate. But you are just not attracted to anyone because this is a desire regulated by preferences. However, most of these preferences are irrational. They are more of fantasies. For example, you may only want to sleep with tall girls. That does not mean you are physically unable to have sex with shorter girls. You just don’t prefer short girls.

Irrational though these preferences may be, they are quite difficult to get rid of and may affect your sexual encounters. Therefore the so-called sexual compatibility really only exists in our minds. You can have sex with anyone of the opposite sex.

Sexual compatibility is therefore something you can achieve with anyone. It is a state where you can work yourselves into.

Therefore, part of the dating process involves reworking these preferences to the point where you find yourself totally at ease with having sex with your potential partner. If you start desiring to have sex with your partner; if you reach a point where you desire to have sex with them, then you have achieved sexual compatibility.

It is not always the case that you will always be sexually attracted to someone you start dating. Not everyone who gets married was sexually attracted to each other at first.

But that’s the point. For you to decide to get married to someone, you must be comfortable with the idea of having sex with them. You must desire to sleep with them. You must want to do it. Otherwise, there is pretty much no point.

However, since most of us are stubborn in our preferences, it means we have to look for someone who meets those preferences and most importantly, someone who can accommodate our preferences. In short, someone with whom we are compatible sexually with.

So how do you find out if you are sexually compatible with someone?

Talk about sex—period.

Be open to each other.


Let the other person find out your preferences. And learn the other’s preferences as well. Tell them what you find attractive in a person of the opposite sex. Tell them some of your fantasies.

If you reach a point where you can have sex mentally with someone, then you can easily have sex physically with them.

However, if you are unable to freely talk about sex; if you are unable to imagine having sex with your partner; then there could be a problem and you may need to consider whether or not to proceed.

Physical contact is also important. It helps you know what your partner feels sexually towards you. And it is the one which ultimately shows you if you are compatible or not. Remember, you do not need to have sex with someone to prove your compatibility. But if everything feels good about holding them; if you would love to hug them a little longer; if you desire to lean in and kiss them; then you know that your mind has accepted that it is proper for you to have sex with them.

Mental acceptance is therefore the key. Once your mind accepts, there are no two ways about it, it can and will happen.

And the only way to start this mental acceptance is by talking. Communicating your preferences.

If you can have sex mentally with your partner, then you are compatible.


However, just like sexual compatibility can be earned, it can also be lost.

How can this happen?

Find out in the next article.

Oh, and I meant you should THINK about it, not do it. ;-)

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